Am I a Proverbs 31 Woman?

I don't know about you but quite frankly, I am intimidated by this Proverbs 31 woman.  So much so that I even asked my husband not to preach on it today.  I mean, get real!  I love the fact that it starts off by saying she is more precious than jewels.  I do love sparkly jewelry!

But then it all falls apart from there.  So here is a description of this "ideal" woman and this is how I fall short.

1. She rewards her husband with good, not evil all the days of her life.  I admit there are days that I give my husband a hard time but at least half of the time he deserves it.
2. She is like a merchant ship bringing her food from far away.  I hate going to the grocery store right down the street.  I can't imagine being like a ship to bring it from far away even though sometimes I feel like I need a boat to carry all of those groceries in.
3. She rises while it is still night and provides food for her servants.  My poor children think a hot breakfast is a toaster strudel.
4. She plants a vineyard with her earnings.  I can't keep any plants alive, mostly because they need water.
5. She is not afraid for her household when it snows, for all in her household are doubly clothed.  Not just clothed once but doubly.  If I could go one week without a frantic search for underwear or socks, I would feel like I've accomplished something.
6. She opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue.  I'm not sure anything needs to be said here and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't laugh too loudly.  If sarcasm were wisdom, I would have it in aces. 
7. Her sons rise up and call her blessed.  My sons constantly rise up but it's only to clobber each other.  When the kids were babies I would pray for so many things for them, their adult years, spouses, fulfilling God's calling.  Now, there are days that I pray that I make it through the day without killing them or without them killing each other.  I believe God honors those prayers too. 

So I was talking to my in-house theological scholar about this passage.  He said "Beth, you need to start at the beginning of the chapter to understand what they mean in that passage."  So I start reading the beginning of the chapter. 

The words of King Lemuel, an oracle that his mother taught him:

Did you catch it? That's the problem with this whole passage.  Some son's mother was telling him who the ideal woman was.  This is a mother who says this is the only woman that is good enough for my son and she doesn't exist!  Poor guy, I can see a lot of psychological issues there.

Most commentaries say that the point of this passage is in verse 30 which says "but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised".  I don't know about you but I could do without the previous 20 verses of guilt over what I will never be and go right to what will make me a blessed woman. Maybe I just spent too much time down in a wet moldy basement today.

I don't want anyone to take offense at my lightheartedness of Proverbs 31.  I do understand what the scripture is telling me, there are just some days when I crawl into bed and have to thank God I made it through the day.  I do worry about my children and if we are providing them with a nurturing, God-fearing upbringing.  I do constantly pray for my husband and the tremendous calling God has on his life and strive with every ounce of my being to be the kind of wife that he needs.  I think, as women and mothers, society has put a lot of pressure on us.  How often have I said that I just can't do it all?  Then I have to remember.  God doesn't expect me to do it all.  Paul doesn't expect me to do it all.  (My kids probably do expect me to do it all.  Adam did draw my picture today as a superhero.)  I just need to be a woman that fears God.  My foundation needs to be on solid ground so that everything else that I pile on top is fixed and firm.  So, I guess I don't have to be everything that the Proverbs 31 woman is and, you know, I'm okay with that.